Five Times Thom E Gemcity Tried to Get a Date
by Mae34
Summary: And the One Time He Didn't...  Or six ways to ruin a love song
1. Kiss Me, Love Me, Sue

Title: Five Times Thom E. Gemcity Tried to Get a Date…And the One Time He Didn't

Written for the NFA's Win a Date with Thom E. Gemcity Challenge

A/N - Not betaed, kid tested or mother approved (but I don't think my mother would really mind)

A slight spoiler for the episode _Forced Entry_  
****

Sure, being a famous best selling novelist had its perks. The money was good. The fame was surprisingly nice. And yet, there were days when Timothy McGee wished he had never picked up that old typewriter at that tag sale all those years ago.

When he heard Tony's laughter even before the elevator opened, he was certain this was going to be one of those days.

As quickly as he could without looking too suspicious, Tim headed towards his desk. He saw Tony huddled over Ziva's desk, showing her a piece of paper with red typing speckled with light pink heart graphics. He also noticed Tony's mischievous smile and he knew he was in trouble.

" 'Win a date with Thom E. Gemcity!'" Tony read. "'Yes, one lucky fan can win a night on the town with Thom E. Gemcity. To enter, purchase a copy of Rock Hollow at specialized locations for an entry code. Then follow the instructions on the Gemcity website and you will have a shot at spending dinner and a night with the bestselling author.'"

Tim rolled his eyes. He did feel a little betrayed with Ziva just sitting there and watching the spectacle from her desk. It also didn't help when she was trying very hard not to laugh at him.

"Yes, I know what it says, Tony."

Tony held up the printed e-mail for Tim to see. "Really, McRomeo? I knew you were desperate for a date on Valentine's Day but this is a bit much." Tony turned the paper over to examine it further. "In fact, it's sad. Very, very sad."

Tim settled himself down at his desk and turned to Tony with a need to defend himself. "It wasn't my idea, okay?" he stated. "My publisher thought this was a 'unique' way to advertise for my book."

"This," Tony emphasized by holding and shaking the paper, "is not advertising. It's a cry for help."

"Lyndi was very adamant about the whole thing and she promised-" A thought suddenly occurred to him. "Wait a minute. She promised me only members of my fan club can get one of those flyers."

Tony's eyes widened and he quickly hid the paper behind his back. He gave an uncomfortable laugh and slowly retreated back to his desk. "I have my resources, Probie."

Tim stared back at him in disbelief. "I don't believe it! You subscribe to my newsletter? That's a paid subscription!"

Ziva snickered. "I think you are caught red-fisted, Tony."

Tony hid the incriminating evidence in his desk drawer and tried another tactic. "That's 'red-handed', Ziva," he growled. "And so what if I am a part of the T.E.G. 4ever Fan Club? I'm not ashamed. I find it a strategic advantage. There are all these women out there analyzing and dissecting every move I make in that book."

"For the last time, you are not a char-"

Tony waved him off. "Yeah, we've all heard the speech, McLawyer. The point here isn't about me. It's about your latest sad attempt at your love life."

"Really? I would be more concerned with your own, DiNozzo," Gibbs said as he walked into the bullpen with his daily fourth cup of coffee. Gibbs' path was set for his desk until, at the last second, he stopped and turned back to where Tony tried to inconspicuously stay in front of the drawer. It didn't take much for Gibbs to get into the desk and read the topic of their discussion.

Gibbs' eyebrows arched up as an inquiry to Tony's reading material. "Are you thinking about entering, Tony?"

"I- um," Tony struggled to get out the words under Gibbs' trance. "No, Boss. I get enough of McGemcity to handle here at work."

Gibbs gave a slight grin. "Then get to work and handle it."

"Yes, Boss."

The rest of the team took that as their cue and got into their assignments.

&&&&&&&&&

Later that day, both McGee and Tony stood in front of the plasma and watched in astonishment as Delilah Frost, the cute, blonde anchor for Channel 3 news, described the events at one of DC's bookstores.

"Police were called in to control a mob earlier today at local bookstore in Silver Springs. The incident started because of a contest for best-selling author, Thom E. Gemcity."

The scene cut from her to footage of the bookstore. They showed waves of women from all ages rallying against the barrier of the store's glass doors. The shouts and cries could be heard among the women as they demanded to get into the store.

Delilah continued as a voiceover. "The incident started shortly after lunch when fans were waiting to purchase contest entry codes for a chance to win a date with the famed author. The crowd rushed to get into the store after hearing about limited supplies, causing injury to two people. Both were taken to the hospital and later released." She paused for a moment and went on to the next story. "On the Hill-"

Tony decided that was enough and muted the television. "Well, that will certainly get the publicity you need. I bet your publisher is doing a happy dance about that."

Tim's eyes still watched the screen as men in suits talked without sound. Dazed, he responded, "Did I really cause a riot?"

"Don't rub it in."

Tim sighed and decided not to rise to the bait. "I got a call from Crawshaw. It seems to be a whole liability mess. The bookstore is blaming the publishing company. The publishing company wants to blame the bookstore and the advertising firm running the contest. And I'm sure it won't be long until they all want to blame the guy who wrote the book. They have to postpone the contest until the lawyers can sort it all out."

"Sound like a boatload of fun. You can get some streamers and the whole thing could be a legal party." Tony thought how it would look with lawyers wearing party hats. "Remind never to come to any of your parties."

"That would imply I would invite you."

"Harsh, McSpoilsport. I still wouldn't go."

"Well, you know what? I don't care. You know why?" Tim gave a sly smile and didn't let Tony answer. "Because it's not everyday I can say women rioted to get a date with me."

"It means nothing!" Tony answered back. The tremor in his voice made the statement unconvincing.

"That's what I thought."


	2. He Broke the Law, Then He Broke My Heart

"So how did that contest turn out?" Tony casually asked as he watched McGee struggled with the entrance door, his backpack, and two large paper bags filled with the team's lunch. They were coming back from an interview with gifts wrapped in tortillas wrapped in deli paper.

"What contest?" McGee almost managed to open the door when a paper bag slipped from his grasp. He caught the bag before it hit the ground but the door closed with a frustrating 'clack.' He glared at Tony and his empty hands and made a second attempt with the door. It took a clumsy dance between him and the closing door before he slipped on through.

With only a backpack slung over his shoulder, Tony opened the door with hardly any effort. If he noticed McGee's fiery stare, he didn't acknowledge it.

"That essay contest on the internet to replace the one with the big legal mess," Tony explained. "The one where people had to write in reasons why they deserve a date with-" Tony scrunched up his face, spitting out the next words out like he was eating a lemon. "'-the _wonderful_ literary writer, Thom E. Gemcity.'"

"How did-?" McGee started to ask as juggled the bags to get his security card in his pocket. "Oh, right. The newsletter." He very carefully slid the card through the reader while trying not to unbalance the backpack on one shoulder and the bags in the other arm.

The security guard at the metal dictator watched from the other side of the hall and chuckled at the impromptu show.

Tony nodded to the guard and copied McGee by sliding his own card through. "So, I'm curious to know who the fortunate lady was to win McGiggle's heart. Does Papa Gibbs have to sit down with her and make sure she's good enough for our dear Tim?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Tim mumbled as he quickly headed towards the elevator.

McGee's evasive maneuver only served as fuel to Tony's unquenchable curiosity. He swiftly ran ahead of McGee and cut him off. "So…" He began with a casual smile. "What happened?"

"Tony, I told you, I-"

"'Don't want to talk about it,'" Tony finished. "I got that. You do realize I will not stop bugging you until you do?"

McGee responded by trying to move around Tony. Tony moved again to block his way. "McGee, this will not end well."

Defeated, Tim heaved a huge sigh. "Do you remember HotJugs24?"

Tony considered the question and its relevance.

"No..."

This was the distraction Tim needed. He slipped through the gap Tony gave him and nearly ran to the elevator.

Unfortunately, he wasn't quick enough because Tony suddenly remembered, turned, and followed after him. "Yes! Yes, I do remember. He was that online guy. Big, bald, tattooed guy in the undershirt who wanted to 'copulate' relations with me. The creepy guy."

Tony caught up in the elevator and pushed the button to go up. "That guy, right?"

"Yes, that guy!" a trapped and exasperated McGee responded.

"What about him?"

"He won."

That was not at all what Tony was expecting. "What!"

"He won the essay contest." McGee braced himself for the teasing that was sure to come. "Fortunately, he was disqualified due to, well, being a felon or something like that."

They got to their floor and, with a 'ding' the doors started to open to let them out. Tony stopped the doors by pushing the 'close' button and turned back to face McGee.

"This guy must have a fetish for NCIS agents," Tony replied. There was no mocking. No teasing or laughter. Tony looked at him with slight curiosity. "So then you'll be going with the runner-up?"

McGee shook his head. "I think Lyndi got the hint somewhere in my two hundredth 'No' and 'Way'. She's not making me go through with it, but I'm sure she is finding some other way to torture me."

The two men stood in silence. One was in quiet contemplation and the other waiting for the unwanted teasing.

Finally, McGee couldn't take anymore of the pressure. "Come on, Tony!" McGee burst out. "Aren't you going to say anything? You must be dying to."

Tony gave a small, sympathetic smile. "I hate to say it, but I can't think of the words to _truly_ express what I feel at the moment." He helped to unload the bags from McGee's tired arms and continued, "But, for you McGeek, I'll come up with them."

McGee sighed. "Thanks, Tony. I _really_ appreciate that."

The elevator doors opened and they both walked out.

"That's what friends are for, McHotJug," Tony replied to McGee. "To laugh and mock you at your time of need."

He then presented Ziva and Gibbs the bags.

"Here's lunch!"


	3. My Raccoon Heart

"No way!" Lyndi yelled.

They were in one of the hallways backstage of the event and even there they could hear the screams of ravenous women over the beat of the music.

"What! Are you kidding me?" Tim exclaimed.

Lyndi stood her ground. "Timothy, there is no way I'm letting you go out there."

The truth was, Tim agreed with her. He really didn't want to go out onto the runway for the bachelor auction either, even if it was for charity. The leer of all those women as they held up their signs, bidding on him like some desired object, didn't exactly appeal to him in the first place.

However, after all the calamities of the day so far, he dealt with the pain of putting on the hated tux and now all that effort was going to go to waste.

"I told you on the phone what happened. You said I would be fine. 'Injuries give you a rugged look' were, I believe, your exact words."

"Yeah, if you had stitches on your forehead and holding a recently-saved baby. Women eat that up all the time. This…" Lyndi threw her hands up at Tim's face and paused to find the right words.

She failed.

"I don't even know what 'this' is!" she shouted.

'This' was the result of Tim struggling to restrain a murder suspect earlier that day. The two black eyes wouldn't have looked so bad if he and the suspect didn't end up in a patch of poison sumac.

"You look like a sun burnt raccoon!"

Tim rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to itch his face. "Thanks so much. I'm fine, by the way."

The sarcasm didn't deter her. It was something she was use to while working with Tim.

"I'm still not letting you out there."

"Fine!" Tim yelled and tried to rub (not itch) the headache away as Lyndi left to tell the auctioneer the bad news. He didn't want to think about the reaction from that announcement.

He turned around and found himself staring back at Tony's bright face. Tony was smiling as if he was just told that, not only Santa Claus was real, the big guy was bringing Tony all the necessary ingredients for a beer commercial.

Tim was definitely not in the mood. "What are you doing? You shouldn't be here."

Tony had never looked so shocked and appalled before in all his life.

"And miss this? Are you kidding me?"


	4. Puppy Love Piddled On My Rug

There were lots of ways to describe Anthony DiNozzo's personality. 'Childish' and 'immature' were usually the first words and used often by his co-workers.

And, in rare moments of inclination towards his co-workers, Tony would agree.

Tony, however, knew his limits. He knew it wasn't right to date a friend's ex-girl friend (as was the rules of the Botherhood) and he had never, ever been the type to kick a wounded puppy when he's down.

No, in those situations, with sad, expressive puppy eyes looking up at him, he knows he doesn't have the heart to turn it away.

So with great resignation, he takes the puppy out to the pub to get drunk.

Because even Tony knew his limits.

Sitting at the bar, the puppy eyes stared deeply into his glass of white wine. "I can't believe he said that."

Tony took a sip of his beer and merely shrugged. There wasn't much he could do. Tim stopped paying attention to anything he said after the second glass of wine.

"I am _nnnot_ some 'boring unappealing hack.' He nnever even gave the show a chance before he canceled it," Tim grumbled with a bit of a slur. Tony motioned the bartender to cut Tim off for the night.

Tony thought back to when McGee first mentioned the reality show Lyndi was pitching to him. It was to be like a mix of 'the Bachelor' and 'Jeopardy'. For the grand prize, not only did the contestants have to vive for McGee's affections, but they also had to prove they were a fan of the book series by answering trivia questions.

"Didn't you say the show was a stupid idea?" Tony asked. He remembered that rant because he had to look up what 'hodgepodge of idiocy' meant before he could agree with the Probie.

McGee's head snapped up like a rubber band at Tony's question. "It was! You know me, Tony. A reality show is sssso not for me. I can't even sstand watching one much less _be_ in one."

McGee paused and went back to his puppy dog expression. He dipped his finger into the wine and rubbed it around the wine glass rim, producing a high pitch song. "It's one thing for you to say I'm a 'boring hack.' At least _you_ care. It's different when some producer takes only one look at me and says it like he knew all along."

"I've never said you were a 'boring hack'." To imply he would say something like that with malicious intent was almost an insult.

There was another long pause and another lonely song from the wine glass.

"No, you haven't," Tim whispered. Right then, he looked deflated, like a puppy kicked one too many times.

Tony made a vow to himself to get the name of the producer by the end of the night. He was sure he could find some innocent ways to torture and destroy. All within the law, of course.

After all, nobody messes with his Probie.

Abby would probably also want to be involved as well. Nobody messes with her geek.

McGee took a sip of wine and the energetic rant was back. "Do you know what really gets me? Not five minutes after he said that to me, he was trying to talk me into signing over the rights for an L.J. Tibbs TV show. Can you believe it?"

"Us as a TV show?" Tony took another sip of beer, thought about it, and then laughed.

McGee shook his head in agreement. "Yeah, I couldn't picture that either."


	5. I Can't Miss You If You Don't Leave

"This is so demeaning," Tim sighed as he sunk into the throne he was sitting in and tried not to ruin the long-steamed rose he was waving around in distraction.

Tony came on the premise of moral support, much to Tim's disbelieve, but the material he had for mockery was too much even for him.

They were hanging out on the stage of the outdoor auditorium with staff workers rushing back and forth to get ready for the participants of Lyndi's latest scheme. Vases and wreaths of red and pink roses were spread out on the stage. Empty rows of chairs were placed specifically for the people invited to see the winner when she came to claim her prize. A huge banner hung high above McGee with frilly pink script reading: _WIN A DATE WITH THOM E. GEMCITY_.

And Tim, poor miserable Tim, was in the middle of all this extravagant decorations, wearing a tux (again) and sitting on the biggest, most ornamental throne Tony had ever seen.

Tony was too busy testing the possibility of dying from laughter to give any moral support.

"Hahahahaha..compensating much..hahahaha..with the throne..haha…Probie?"

McGee didn't have the spirit to give an effective comeback. "Shut up, Tony."

"I-I-hahahahaha"

"Tony!"

Tony took a few deep breaths, with little bits of laughter escaping in between, before he was able to get himself under control. "Are you planning to give up your NCIS ways to take this full time job as Prince Charming?"

This was almost worst than the aftermath of 'HotJugs24'...

"No, wait! Easter is coming up next. They could have you in a bunny suit to present the winner with a basket of colored eggs!"

…Almost.

"No!" An irritated Lyndi yelled into her phone as she headed down the aisle towards the stage. "You tell him we already have ceremony put together. We cannot get this far in the process just to cancel when someone decides to die. You tell him that!"

The two men watched in interest as Tim's publisher hung up and huffed at the phone, then plastered on a fake smile for her (assumedly) best writer. "We have a problem."

"No kidding," McGee replied, gladly getting out of the throne. "What is it?"

"It's about one of the participants."

Lyndi took a different approach to win the date they've been trying to market. This time, entries were raffled (and screened) for people to participate in a murder-mystery game. The participants were currently running around the city to find clues and solve the mystery Lyndi's staff devised. The final stage of the game was to be here at the auditorium and Tim was to wait on stage to present his rose to the first woman to figure out all clues.

It was clever, in a nauseating sort of way.

Except there was a problem.

"Is she okay?"

Lyndi dropped the smile and sighed. "She's fine. Apparently, instead of finding a fake clue, she found a real dead body. Some schmuck wants to shut down the entire thing so they can investigate."

At that moment, Tony and McGee's phones rang simultaneously.

Tony took his phone off his belt while McGee grabbed his hidden in the seat of the throne.

"Hey, Boss" "Hello?"

They listened to the voices before looking at each other.  
"Got it, Boss," Tony said with the up-most professional tone he could produce. While listening to his instructions on the phone, he snapped his fingers at McGee and pointed in the direction of the car like he was giving a command to a dog.

"Okay, Ziva. We'll be right there," McGee answered to his own phone while waving Tony off. He hung up and turned to the stunned Lyndi.

"Sorry, but we're going to have to cancel after all. Our 'schmuck' wants us to investigate."

The apology would have been more sincere if McGee wasn't smiling. He dropped the rose onto the seat and ran after Tony.

"Gibbs isn't going to like this," Tony said when he hung up and McGee caught up to him.

"Why yes, Tony," McGee replied, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. "A body found by one of my fans during a promotion for my book. I'm sure Gibbs will be _ecstatic_ about the whole thing."

"Well, look on the bright side."

"Where could there possibly be a bright side?"

Tony adopted an announcer voice similar to one heard on a game show. "Oooone lucky lady has just won a chance to be interviewed as a witness by the infamous Thom E. Gemcity."


	6. I Liked You Better Before I Met You

Valentine's Day was only a few days away when Tim McGee walked into the office with a huge grin on his face.

One look at the approaching man and Tony immediately sensed that something was very wrong in the universe. A smiling McGeek was not something Tony could stand and he immediately stopped him before he could reach his desk.

"What is this?"

"What is what, Tony?" Tim asked, even though they both knew exactly what Tony meant.

"This! You're prancing in here, reeking of smug satisfaction."Tony looked at him with suspicion. "What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on. I'm just having a good morning. That's all."

But that wasn't all. There was only one reason for Tim's rare high-quality good mood.

"You hooked up with a date, didn't you?"

"That's none of your business." Tim rolled his eyes and detoured around Tony to get to his desk.

As usual, Tony wasn't planning on letting it go. "You did! Who is she? Bagel lady? That woman in legal that purrs at you every time she looks at you?"

Tim calmly put his things away and looked back at Tony.

"That's none of your business," he repeated.

It wasn't his business, but Tony was a trained investigator and had a way of figuring these things out on his own. In this case, he noticed the scrap paper held loosely in McGee's hand.

With his quick reflexes, Tony grabbed the piece of paper before Tim could make an effort to respond. McGee tried to get it back, but it was too late.

The name and number on the paper made Tony frown.

"'Brenda?'" Tony exclaimed. "Please not Payroll-clerk-in-HR Brenda? I've been trying to get her number for months!"

Tim smiled and shrugged. "We were just talking and it ends up we like the same mystery novels. And we're going out this weekend to talk more about it."

"Months, Probie! Months of clever wit, charming smiles and planning this one move where I'm petting a puppy right when she walks outside for lunch. All that work and it's _you_ that gets the date?"

"Maybe you are losing your lunch," Ziva teased from her desk.

"'Touch'," Tony corrected, and then reconsidered. "Although, either one could apply right now."

His face got rigid and he moved real close to McGee to a point where they were nose-to-nose. In the corner of his eye, McGee could see Ziva stand up, ready to jump in if she was needed. They stared each other down, waiting for the other to respond.

"I'm proud of you, Probie."

Tim didn't say anything when Tony clamped his hands down hard on his shoulders. The only reaction he could give was a slight wheezy gasp from the force.

"Never let it be said that Anthony DiNoozo is a sore loser. Congratulations."

Ziva snorted in disbelief. "Never?"

Tony ignored their spectator and gave McGee a one-arm hug. "It's funny. All this time, Thom E. Gemcity tries to get a date and it's our little Timmy that comes through with the save."

*Thack*

"Ow!" McGee glared at Tony as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Okay, and maybe I'm a _little_ bit of a sore loser."


End file.
